I woke up in a hotel room in White Plains, New York. Now I don’t mean woke up as in “Hello morning, what’s it going to be today?” kind of a wake up. I mean my brain turned on. I sat on the bed at 4 in the morning, starred at my peacefully sleeping 75-year-old mother and the twisted and crumpled sleeping beauties, better known as my daughters. What must these people see when they look at me? These people who had known me since birth, seen me through all the many molding aspects of my life, and now where seeing me as this person I had become. What did they see inside me? I don’t think it was the woman of steel who could jump over 10 story buildings in a single bound. She left me in my 20’s. I don’t think it was the perfect wife, mother, daughter, or sister. She left me in my late 30’s. So as I sit in this bed waking up in my 40’s, who is left inside me? An angry divorced woman that makes the same mistake over and over and over by letting her needy ex-husband invade her space? Is that what they see? Do they see the extra 50 pounds that have crept into my being because food would never let you down? Do they hear the sounds of my panic attacks as I softly tread into the bathroom and get invaded by demons that never show them selves in the day? These demons that can take over your rational brain and fight to stay there no matter what you do? Can people see them outside of me or do I give off an aura that let’s people know I carry these beasts inside of me?
I am really seeing myself for the first time in 47 years. My shrink says that the art of denial was invented with me in mind. I can deny even the most obvious. So with my body fully awakened now, what am I seeing? Let’s start with the things that cannot be denied.
1. Great kids.
2. Strong support from my sister and well, at least my mother tries. Women from her generation don’t ever fully wake up.
3. Wonderful girlfriends.
4. My dog thinks I am fairly marvelous.
5. I have a good sense of humor.
Not too bad. These things are all true and I feel would be said by most people. If these truths do not hold self evident, than at least I can continue to play with the idea they are true. Those mind demons have let me keep 5 things. They really are the original commie bastards.
OK… now for a few things that this awakening has made me realize.
1. I am gullible. I believe people because I don’t want them to hurt me.
2. I am the queen of denial.
3. I have closed part of my heart and it has a deep bruise there that may never be able to fully open.
4. I love taking tranquilizers and need to know that they are what is making me function during these dark days.
5. Nothing feels better or hurts worse than love.
My ex-husband has much to do with this awakening. I had to tell him he was dead. I didn’t want him to die. I wanted to go on believing he was the man I married. The man who swept me off my feet and made places deep within me come alive; the man who gave me beautiful children. But this man who brought me these great things, also brought me more anguish than I knew existed. This man taught me how to have the demons enter and take control. The dark side entered. The demons came with it. People act like they cannot see your demons. They do not know they are in your throat and on your back and are beating the very life out of you. It would be a sight too hideous for the human eye if these demons were outted.
I have read books about people who spend their while lives running from this hell. They abuse drugs. They have affairs. They drink. Anything is fair game when the commies are there. Anything that will stop the pain and for one damned minute let your lungs fill with pure air. The air is out there. My lungs are too full to let it in.
I went to the Dr to see if she had a cure for the demons. After spending several days sedated out of my mind I realized that was not the answer. There were still bills to pay, still pain to jump over and still those beautiful babies to raise. I knew what had to be done. I dreaded it. I made the phone call. I went back to a place I knew would hurt. A place that made me face the demons. The place that called me on my bluffs. Stopped letting me go to the denial world… the place I least wanted to be. THERAPY. Why couldn’t this man just let me have a one ounce of dignity that had not been robbed from me by the commies? Why can’t I go on acting like I was fine and the world still had one axis that it spun on???? I like that place. The only problem with it was that the demons like you in “their” world.
